Soooo Many Things Running Through My Head and Body........

Well, the last 24 hours have rocked me to my core. I'm sick to my stomach.  I'm numb. I'm anxious. I'm sooo horribly sad. I'm angry. My mind can't grasp the new reality. I have so many questions that will go unanswered. I have regret in that I didn't do more, wasn't there more. I have guilt for feeling angry and sad, because maybe this is what she wanted. I have fear because this was exactly my nightmare of how I would never want things to happen. How does someone's 40+ years of life come down to just this. Life can be so cruel and yet everyday is a gift to be grateful for. I haven't had this many emotions running through me in a very long time.

My friend/co-worker "P" was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer last year.  I knew it didn't sound good. We both worked on Cancer Clinical Trials for our job.  But, from day 1 she fought and never let me think otherwise. She was so stoic. She had just started a new job when she was diagnosed. She continued to work thru all the radiation, surgery, and chemo. She even worked overtime! She sold her house, had a new house built, and moved.  Even brought me her outdoor patio furniture!  She only took 2 months off at Christmas when she needed full time oxygen. But, then she got better. Went back to work, started exercising, went to plays with me, and visited friends who also had cancer. She was always very concerned about my issues and well being, as I was in a bad place right when she was going through all of this. I couldn't be there for her as much as I wanted to be, which bothered me. She then had the follow up scan in Mar, and got news she didn't hope for. It had spread more. They ordered a 2nd treatment of chemo. She really really didn't want this. Out of all the issues with having "C", her biggest bummer was losing her hair. She was soo devastated about that. But I got her the name of a great wig place and hair dresser that specialized in medical hair loss (because unfortunately I have several other friends going through "C" as well). She was much more relaxed.  Her hair had just grown back from the previous treatment, and now she was going to have to lose it again. This was the first inkling that I got, a few months ago, that she was sad and really didn't want to do this. But she would. I got a call from her 2 weeks ago saying she needed to sell our play ticket because a friend was giving her the opportunity to use her cabin that same weekend. I could tell it was something she really wanted to do, needed to do, with her husband. I found someone to buy the ticket, texted her, and she was so grateful. I said to have a great time at the cabin! A few days later I texted her to say hi and have fun. I didn't hear from her. Okay. A few days went by and now I was thinking this was odd. That is not like her. Maybe she's busy getting ready for the trip. So, I opted to wait until Mon after the trip to text again and say I hope she had fun and when could we meet so I could give her the ticket money. Again, days went by. This was really not like her. I had this feeling something was wrong. But I didn't think "C", strangely I thought maybe they got in an accident. I watch too many crime shows. Then, our mutual friend who also has "C" (and owns the cabin) called, texted, and FB'k me yesterday at work. She didn't say it was urgent, but to call her.  So, I waited until I was home last night.

She was beside herself and crying.  She wanted to know if I knew that "P" had passed away.  I screamed, was shaking, felt numb. What?! I said I had been trying to get a hold of her post the cabin trip. I was soo confused. She was "ok". Our friend said well, she never made it to the cabin. She got admitted to the hospital for severe pain, chemo started immediately, and she passed away two days later. She was already cremated, no service. All this was last week!!! "P"s husband just called the friend yesterday to tell her, after the friend had texted her yesterday am. Just saying this all again makes me feel sick.  "P's" videos sit next to my tv awaiting their return.........

Enter the demons of binge eating lying in wait....to be continued tomorrow.

Hugs to all of you!