Sunday, April 28, 2013

What A Difference a Year Makes.... And other ramblings :)

Greetings on a Spring Sunday Evening!
I hope you enjoyed a beautiful and relaxing weekend!  It was very pleasant and beautiful here this weekend.  I have the sunburn to prove it! :)  So much going on from Half Marathons, Triathlons, Art Walk, Adams Avenue Unplugged, I'm sure I missed a ton of other events to mention. Congrats to those of you ran/walked!

So, it's hard to believe that a year has already gone by.  A year ago this week I was in a not very good place, pretty hopeless, and trying to dig myself out of a very deep deep deep hole.  Problem was, after many months of trying (more like a year or more) on my own, I just couldn't do it.  It's amazing how powerful an organ like the brain can be (especially when it is not working in your best interest!).  Since 2010, it had just been one thing after another (not all bad, but life changes).  From getting engaged, to moving in together, to planning a wedding, (getting more and more anxious about not looking how I would have hoped I would look for my wedding, which just led to more weight gain!), to finding out I needed major complicated surgery (and trying to seek 2nd/3rd/4th opinions), to being laid off twice in 3 months, to turning down a full time job in hopes that the ONE I really wanted would come to fruition (stress! - but it did), to buying a house, to getting married, to selling a condo, to getting hit with mega taxes, adopting 2 not so easy to handle dogs, to hubby have a medical emergency.  I was EXHAUSTED.  I was sooooo depressed, hubby and I were constantly fighting, I was not sleeping more than 3 or 4 hours a night, I could barely drag myself to work (the place I absolutely loved!), the dogs were just too too much, and I was at my highest weight ever (285!).  The final straw was that I started having sudden major health issues: anemia, edema, high blood pressure.  All the makings of heart failure.  Things started spiraling out of control and very quickly.  I really thought that if things didn't somehow get under control very soon, I may not have a future - because there was no way I could live like this - every second a struggle.  Thank gosh for my doctor who is awesome and knows me very well, trusts me, works with me, and knows what I need. 

I took a leave of absence for 6 weeks to get things back on track.  I went to a local all-day program for binge eating, checked myself into a hotel for 2 weeks to get a true break, and had a very understanding husband who handled the rest while I was gone (with the help of great friends!).  It was the BEST decision I could have ever made for me, my marriage, for life!  I needed a Time-Out.  I knew I did, and was so glad that insurance finally agreed (don't even get me started on the issues and stress of trying to get insurance companies to recognize Binge Eating Disorder!).

Food has always been my coping mechanism..... for EVERYTHING!!!!!  For stress, for sadness, for loneliness, for being tired, for needing a reward, for boredom, for having to deal with medical procedures, for socializing.  The list goes on.  The day that was my rock bottom was the day I had after work gone to a McDonald's to get a coffee shake, gone to Starbucks and got brownies, and then went through Jack in the Box to get a hamburger meal.  I got home, had all this food, and didn't even remember doing it!  Let alone, why I had done it.... because I already had (and forgot about) the Starbucks, donuts, pizza, and cake that were ingested earlier in the day at work.  When food collection (binging) has become as automatic as breathing or driving, I knew I was in trouble and needed help beyond what I, friends or family could provide.

The program was a shock at first.  I completely broke down and lost it the first day.  This was not what I expected.  You were no longer in charge of yourself during those 10 hours.  Meals and bathroom visits were scheduled, supervised, and monitored. What??!!  I finally settled down by Day 3, and was in a groove.  The program wasn't perfect, but nothing (or anyone) is in life.  You make the best of it and take what you can.  The life skills I learned were invaluable:  CBT, DBT, art therapy, mindfulness.  I've continued with these advanced skills a year later, and it has made all the difference!  Our marriage is great, the dogs have settled some, work is good, the brain is finally working for me!  And, it finally allowed me to sign up for Weight Watchers (along with hubby!) and making taking charge of my health and losing weight possible. :)

On to present moment. :)  I had a great week last week in terms of feeling good.  Loved and was so grateful for every minute of it.  Then, mother nature decided to grace me with her presence.  To not get too TMI here, I really struggle with that TOM.  I always have since Day 1.  When I was younger it was practically debilitating until I found birth control in college.  Then, it became endurable but still not wonderful.  As I've aged and had to go off all birth control (blood clots in 2008), it's gotten worse, and weird.  The GYN thought it was due to the weight gain the last few years and I wondered about peri-menopause.  With the clear Abdominal CT Scan a few weeks ago, my doctor has now referred me to the GYN.  He is thinking endometriosis.  I'm like what??!!  I don't think so.  It seems a little far fetched to me, like why wouldn't this have cropped up and been diagnosed much earlier?  I have self diagnosed fibroids.  Yes, I'm very good at playing doctor (and quite good most of the time I must add)! :) :)  We shall see what the result is this week.  If it's neither, well then, the mystery symptoms continue.

Oh, Weigh In!  So, I'm up 0.8 lbs but not a surprise with mother nature.  Hubby lost 2.8 lbs.  Yay!!  I'm 1 lb away from 30, and hoping to work hard and make it happen this coming weekend. :)

Wow, that was a long post.  If you are still hanging in there reading.....THANK YOU!!!! :)  My friends, family, and supporters mean the world to me.  Have a great week and may you live and love each and every day!


Saturday, April 20, 2013

Goodbye 50's! Hello 40's! 10% babeee!!!! :)

Good Saturday evening to you all!

Life has been good the last few days. :)  I can say I have felt 100% the last 2 days! :)  Yay!!  I had a crazy week at work with offsite meetings and various drs appointments.  Then, I took half of Friday off to go with my 2 girlfriends to LA to see Bon Jovi.  Bon Jovi is my all time favorite band, Jon is my number 1, (the husband knows!), we had an 80's cover band at our wedding, and our first dance song was Thank You For Loving Me by Bon Jovi. :) :)  I will sing, see, and dance to Bon Jovi until the day I die!! Ha!  Needless to say, it was an awesome time!  It was minus Richie Sambora, but the band really put on a great show!  We stood/danced for 3 hours!  Think that helped in the losing pounds this week department. :)

Usually we drive back that same night, but heck, I'm getting old.  Kidding! :)  Thought for once we'd stay over.  So, we stayed at JW Marriott LA Live which is a very cool place amongst the Nokia Theatre, Staples Center, and lots of restaurants...and stars to see!  They always have things going on there, so it is great people watching.  We had dinner at Lawry's Carvery which was very good.  We tried to get into the restaurants but they all were over an hour wait.  Lawry's was the least crowded.  They had yummy sounding mac and cheese, prime rib, etc. but I remained steadfast in my plan because I really wanted to hit my goal at weigh-in today. :)  I had the 1/2 turkey sandwich, 1/2 salad, and chips.  It was yummy! For breakfast, I steered clear of the buffet and opted to order off the menu.  I did the best I could, egg whites/potatoes/1 slice bacon/OJ, but the eggs were drenched in oil. :(  Darn!  I always forget to ask for dry!  It was satisfying though.  Traffic was a beast going and coming back.  Over 3 hours! 

I really really wanted to make my weigh-in today as it meant a lot to me.  I really wanted to hit my 10%.  I was determined.  The center closed at 3pm and we got back to town about 2pm.  I wouldn't have enough time to go home first, so I asked my friends if we could take a detour so I could go straight to weigh in.  I think they thought I was crazy at first (and I felt bad delaying their trip a bit).  I thought, you know, I'm really going to be bummed if this doesn't happen and I made this huge effort.  I only had to lose 1 lb, but we know how that has gone before!  Well, I DID IT!!!!!  3.4 lbs gone!  Bye bye! :) :)  I hit my 10%, got my key ring, and am 1 lb away from my next goal of 30 lbs.  Holy Cow!! :)  I also said goodbye to the 250's and hello to the 240's.  I haven't seen you since 2010! :)  There was no one in the center but my leader Marie, so we did a little dance and cheered! :)  Then, I was excited to come out and share the news with my 2 good friends, Nicole and Laurie!!! :)  Thanks ladies for your patience with the detour. :)

Hubby lost another 0.8 lbs, so he's doing great.  We are so happy to be doing this together and we feel so good!

Thanks everyone for your continued support and encouragement.  It means a lot and truly helps!  Here's to a great week and I hope you have a successful week and get closer to or hit your goals!  Weight loss or others! :)


Saturday, April 13, 2013

0.2 it is. What is it with that number??!!

Saturday April 13th,
Happy Saturday everyone!  So, last week was an extremely difficult week for me.  Had GI issues still, urgent care visit, dr visit, and a new employee start at work.  I seriously wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear.  I wanted to call in sick so bad, but couldn't.  Every day is a struggle with this GI stuff.  Dr ordered a CT Scan, just waiting for insurance.  I thought I was getting a little better on Friday (woo hoo!), to have today be yuk! :(  Feel awful, stomach pain galore.  I'm so tempted to go to urgent care again to get the freaking CT scan, as I don't know if I can wait until sometime next week.  This just really sucks. 

So, I only lost 0.2 lbs this week.  But, I'm okay with that.  I had 2 days where I didn't eat much.  Only got past my activity baseline twice. And last week was a surprise big loss, so it all evens out okay.  I just want to get through whatever this medical issue is.  Which, I must pat myself on the back, as I'm handling it much better than in the past!  Being laid up like this, I would have just eaten my way through the pain and spiraled down into a depressed state (whoas me).  But, this time I'm enduring it, going through it.  Taking one day, one moment at a time.  Keeping my spirits up, having hope, and staying committed to the goal. :)  I'm not pushing myself either.  Like I really wanted to go to the gym today, but so far that is not happening.  If I can't make it, oh well.  We will try again tomorrow.  I'm bummed that I had to cancel plans with several friends this week.  It's been a long time since we've gotten together.  But, I'm in no shape to be anywhere but home. :(  I'm just hoping this gets better enough very soon to still make my Bon Jovi concert on Friday in LA!!  I will do everything in my power to make this!! :)

Well, that's all she wrote on this Saturday in April.  I hope you are having a great weekend and much success to you!  Keep your eye on the prize and full steam ahead (even if that is just chugging saying I think I can, I think I times). :)


Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Divertickle me 2, :(

Tuesday April 9th, 2013
Sooo, for the last 10 days I've had major GI issues.  Hasn't quite felt like the diverticulitis like the last 2 times, but things just aren't right and they aren't getting better. :(  So, finally made myself go to urgent care after work yesterday.  Yippeee, there is only 2 people in the waiting room!!  I will be out of here quick!  I loathe spending hours at urgent care.  An hour goes by.  I need to go to the bathroom but they'll probably call me any minute now.  2 hours go by.  Oh heck!  I didn't eat lunch, it's now past dinner and I was up the entire night before being sick.  I'm hungry and exhausted!  There is never a good time to go to urgent care..low and behold there was only 2 people in the waiting room because they ALL had just been called back into rooms.  Ugh.  Husband offered to bring me food (so sweet), but I said shouldn't be long.  Always freaking optimistic!  Dr. decided it was probably the beginnings of diverticulitis again so gave me antibiotics.  Oh, which I despise those too!  Such a necessary evil.  Stopped at the store to get my prescription and soup/crackers, and walked in the door at 11:45pm.  Yuk!  Did I mention I got to urgent care at 5:30pm! :(  Woke up the husband and the dogs.  Fun times!

I stayed with soft/bland foods today and did feel a bit better.  Starting the antibiotics tonight.  So, I went to the gym and did a 40 min workout.  Gotta seize those feel good moments when you can when you deal with chronic pain and/or health issues!  It felt good to sweat.  It's also very strange but I feel very light now when I'm working out.  How a 250 lb person can feel light, I don't know.  But I do!  Guess losing those 25 lbs does make a difference. :)  Imagine what a 150 lb person who used to be 250 lb will feel like?!!! :)

That thought keeps me chugging along. :) :)  Have a great rest of the week WW friends and supporters!

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Tough Week, but 25 lbs Came Quickly :)

Saturday, April 06, 2013
So, this has been one of the toughest health weeks for me.  Have just felt like **** all week.  :(  Sinus issues, headache, horrible nature week, insane GI issues, and praying away another bout of diverticulitis.  I can't get another one so soon and that means potential surgery!  Plus, I'm doing everything right eating wise, so how could it happen?!  Anyway, for now it's not.  Let's hope it stays away!  I just wanted to crawl into bed all week and shut out the world.  But, I dragged myself to work each day including 2 offsite meetings (with tons of food!).  Made it to the gym twice, but that was as much as I could do.  I've been soo uncomfortable that I haven't even talked to any friends this week.  I'm sorry!! :(  But, decided to drag myself to weigh in today.  Knew there was a big chance I could have gained because of the GI issues.  Would give myself a break if I did.  Wasn't even going to stay for the meeting because my head wanted to explode.  Marie (the leader) weighed me and said OMG you hit your 25 lbs!  You will probably hit 10% next week!  I was like WHAT???!!!!  How much did I lose?  Oh heck, 4.2 lbs!  It took me almost 3 weeks to lose a pound to get to 20, and so little time to get to 25.  Go figure!  Goes to show there really is no rhyme or reason to this weight loss thing in terms of the scale.  All I can do is stay on plan, track, exercise and the body and scale will follow at some point.  I ended up staying for the meeting and getting my lovely 25 lb charm. :)  I think I will wear that around my neck because that was hard work!

The husband lost 1.4 lbs, woo hoo!!!!  Collectively we have almost lost 50 lbs. :)  This is sooo exciting.  It feels so good to be making positive healthy changes in our lives, for ourselves, and for each other!

Well friends, I hope you had a successful week and are enjoying the weekend!  Thanks again for all your support and encouragement!  It does take a village to lose weight successfully. :)


Sunday, March 31, 2013
Wow, that was a hard earned 20 lbs!  Lost 2.8 lbs this week for a total of 22 lbs so far.  Yay me!!!!!!  I was so happy.  :)  I worked so hard this past week, so was glad it paid off.  My husband has lost 10 lbs in 2 weeks!  We are loving this program.  We went out to brunch at a restaurant today and we planned ahead.  So no real problems there.  I am going to have a few pieces of Easter candy that I bought specifically for just today, and can't wait! :)  It's so much better when you wait for it!  Other than that, it's a beautiful day here.  Happy Easter and Spring Everyone!!

Random Thoughts for a Wednesday

Thursday, March 28, 2013
So, the drinking more water this week is not working out too well so far. :(  I am doing less caffeine, but still not enough water.  I found a water pitcher that infuses fruit on Amazon that I want to buy.  Hopefully that will help!  But, there's still the last half of the week to get this hydration thing going!

So, my workplace is a continuous bounty of available food.  This week it has been boxes of donuts and then chocolate cake.  I am learning what works for me is to put blinders on.  Don't look, don't even entertain the thought, the sight, the smell, the wonderment.  Keep passing by on what your plan was.  I'm not saying I can't have it, but it was a "surprise" and there are lots of those "surprises", everyday at work!  Therefore, it is really no longer a surprise/treat. Ha!  If it is something extraordinary or happens to be that nature week, then maybe. :)  But I have finally figured out the sweets I love: chocolate, sprinkled donuts, a sprinkles cupcake, etc.  If the "surprise" is not that, it is not worth the points!  I have also told several of my co-workers that I'm doing WW, and that has actually helped.  They are looking out for me!  They warn me not to go into the kitchen, or the break room, etc. Nice of them! :)

Oh the heels of my Aha Moment this week, I would like to start writing in my Gratitude Journal.  Funny thing is, I bought it last year - but now I feel it is the right time to use it!

And, a great friend and WW companion turned me onto a blog called I must say, it is quite inspirational and I can really identify with much of what she says/feels.  Today's blog was about are you the glass is half empty or half full kind of person.  I honestly can say I'm probably more the glass is half empty - always seeing how far I still have left to go.  This is especially true about weight loss.  Well, it's a long freaking way if you have 100+ to lose, 1-2 lbs at a time!!  But, it really resonated with me when she said the glass is half full person sees how far they have come!  It resonated because I think that is what I need, that thinking, that is the key to keep the motivation up for this journey!!

So coming full circle, I want to use my Gratitude Journal to keep track of everything I am thankful for on a daily basis, to see how far I've come.  That will be a much bigger impact on a daily basis then the scale will be. :)  And I loved this quote "you have come half way, it's just as far to go back as it is to press forward". :)  And I have to keep reminding myself of this when I think this will take FOREVER....what else would I be doing?  I will be 43 next year (no stopping that!) and could be the same weight/health (or worse), or could weigh less/better health.  My choice! :)  I choose better health!

To end with some quotes from 300poundsdown: All you have to do is keep going when you want to quit; Don't turn back at the halfway mark; Don't let the "Wednesday's" in life get you down, Thursday is only 24 hours away!

Have a wonderful Thursday my WW friends! :)

Aha Moment!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013
When I work out these days, I try to push myself.  Not too hard, but definitely don't take it easy.  So most of the time while on the treadmill all I'm doing is listening to great tunes, watching the news or sports on the tv in front of me, and praying I will not keel over and this 30 minutes will go by fast.  The first 5 minutes are the toughest.  The 10 minute mark is a milestone.  Once that hits, 15 minutes comes pretty fast.  When at 15 minutes, 20 minutes is just right around the corner.  20 minutes puts me on the down slope and 25 minutes comes with excitement.  25 minutes gives me a surge of energy and I try to push it that last little bit.  30 minutes comes and I say THANK HEAVENS!! :)  And then I stretch a little and go get on the elliptical for 10 minutes.  The elliptical minutes seem to go by in slow motion.  Probably because I'm pretty dang tired at this point.  5 minutes is my saving grace!  Once I hit 7 minutes, I'm counting down the minutes to getting off and have completed my task.  I feel accomplished and good. :)

So, for the first time ever during tonight's workout, I wasn't just zoning out or focused on my breathing/surviving.  I had an Aha! moment as Oprah says. :)  I recognized my body as being separate from me.  Like a living breathing feeling human or animal.  The first feeling that came was Gratitude.  THANK YOU.  Thank You body for doing these 30 minutes at 3.0 mph/1.5% incline carrying 258 lbs, and you didn't really complain!  A minor twinge in the back, stiff legs.... but that's it!  Thank you feet for enduring this load and not breaking, or getting stress fractures or even hurting.  Thank you back for bearing this load and keeping everything intact and upright. Thank You heart for being so strong and in shape, even for having to do the work for basically 2 people.  THANK YOU!!  And then came sadness and being horrified.  Horrified that a living, breathing, feeling entity could be treated this way.  Made to bear this load, live like this for so many years.  No person or animal deserves this torture, this burden, this infliction of agony and pain.  You deserve to be set free! 

For 34+ years I saw this food addiction, emotional eating, binging as a way of taking care of myself, a coping mechanism, a good thing on some level.  It was the only way I knew how to take care of my pain, my feelings, my suffering, my being "different".  It was the best friend, boyfriend, child, one could ever want.  Always there, by your side, got your back. Ha! No pun intended. :)  But, that realization ended tonight.  I must take care of this entity, this body - for it lives and breathes and feels.  Just as a child or animal does.  When I put it in that perspective, I get very sad, because I could never EVER hurt a child or animal this way.  Puts a whole new spin on what we do to or put into our body.  I will probably never again think of my body like I did before tonight.  WOW!!!!!!!!!!!  And THANK YOU!

WI, Must Drink More Water, C'mon!

Saturday, March 23, 2013
Well, heck!  This was a great week.  Stayed on plan, exercised a lot, ate more veggies, didn't even eat half my weekly points, and my husband joined and went to the meeting with me this am (he lost weight!)..... I did everything I could to lose 1, yes, just 1 lb is all I needed to finally hit 20 lbs down.  BUT, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO........   :'(  I lost 0.2 lb.  What?!  Are you kidding me???!!!!  The poor weigh-in lady, I was like what the heck!  I was shocked and soo bummed not to finally hit 20 lbs.  Then, in the meeting, Marie asked me if I had anything to celebrate and I sadly said Nooooo. :(  But, then I did say yes, my husband is here with me! :)

So, a couple of things.  Usually when this happens it means I'll have a bigger loss next week, so I'm staying hopeful.  Just delayed a week. :)  Also, I noticed that I was really retaining water the last several days, so that could have been it.  Finally, I had a lot of caffeine this week, more than normal.  Which, I think dehydrated me as I didn't drink much water or non-decaffeinated drinks all week.

Thus the goal this week, less caffeine and more water!  On some positive non scale notes: I bought a size smaller shirts this past week! :)  And, I can wear 3 new pairs of pants I had bought awhile ago but didn't fit. :)  And, a couple of people have noticed that I have lost weight! :)  I'm trying to stop saying "Thanks, I'm trying" and instead say "Thanks. Yes, it's been hard work!". :)  Cause it is!

Well WW friends.  Have a good week and enjoy your weekend!  Hope your WI was successful.

WI, Back on Track, Happy St. Patty's Day!

Sunday, March 17, 2013
Good Morning,
A little late here.  Had a good WI yesterday. :)  Lost 2.8 lbs! :)  So, lost the 1.4 gained previous week on trip plus some extra.  I was happy. :)  So, 19 lbs lost so far.  It feels like it has taken forever to get to 20 lbs!  My husband is joining me in doing WW, so I'm excited about that.  We are going to create individual goals and couple weight loss goals and rewards!  Woo hoo! :)  Going to drag myself to the gym today, but really not feeling it.  Have a bad headache. :(

I do have a question to throw out to all my WW friends, supporters, and followers: How do you stay motivated every day when you have 100+ lbs to lose??  I have never really had a long term goal, let alone stuck with one (whether it be saving money, training for a sport, etc).  I'm not unmotivated, and I'm not deterred from persevering, but it just feels like this will take FOREVER!!!  Mentally, I know it will take as long as it takes.  BUT, how do you keep yourself excited each day to keep chugging along, doing the same thing?  Any advice, books you've read, etc. is very much appreciated!

Have a great St. Patty's Day my friends.  Have a wonderful and successful week! :)

Weigh In, Moving On!

Saturday, March 09, 2013
Hello there and Happy Saturday!  This will be short because I don't want to give it any more attention and energy than necessary: gained 1.4 lbs.  Expected it, could have been worse, lucky it wasn't, back on track and moving on!  Off to the gym in a little bit.

Have a great weekend my WW friends and supporters! :)

Still Have Lots to Learn, but Back on Track

Saturday, March 09, 2013
Well, this ended up being a really hard week in terms of food and exercise. :(  I was so nervous about the plane ride (fitting in the seat) and the physicality of the trip.  First up, the plane ride.  I took my friends advice and asked for a seatbelt extender the second I got on the plane.  I also had priority seating which was nice.  The seats had lots of legroom and to my wondrous surprise, I FIT!  I didn't need the seatbelt extender!!  Woo hoo!  My new favorite airline is Virgin America! :)  I took snacks for the plane which turned out to be a good thing because we were delayed.  After several hours, we finally got in to the hotel and I ordered a turkey sandwich and salad.  Ate a WW bar for dessert. :) 

The next day I was off to 3 days of 8 hours of sitting in training.  Well, here is where the hard stuff started.  Boredom and tiredness kicks in my I need/I want/I deserve yummy food.  Well, there was definitely both, and plenty of yummy food!  Breakfast and lunch were catered each day and much to my surprise, there was not much healthy! :(  Breakfast was eggs, bacon, sausage, potatoes, pancakes, french toast, danishes, fruit.  Lunch was cheese laden chicken enchilada casserole, rice, beans, tortillas, chips and salsa, a little bit of salad mix, regular soda, and desserts galore!  Ugh.  Let's just say that any restraint went out the window!  I didn't have huge helpings or seconds, but it was a lot of heavy food close together (3 hours a part) and a ton of sitting.  I was so full and yuck.  For dinner I really wanted a burger/fries (go figure!), etc. but convinced myself to get a big salad with chicken.  I was glad I did.  The next night I met friends for dinner and we had the best pizza ever!  Yum!  But, again restraint went out the window.  Had drinks and dessert too.  I was really full after this!  Again, not a lick of exercise. :(  I was so craving my at home routine!

The last day was pretty much the same: food galore, sitting, tired and bored.  I was then rushed to get to the airport and didn't grab anything to eat.  Didn't think I would be hungry after everything I'd eaten.  Well, it took extra time to get home and now I was starving!  Went thru fast food for a burger and fries, at 11pm.  Not a good thing to be eating that late.  Went to bed but vowed that today I would be back on track with the normal routine.

Had my normal healthy breakfast, lunch, dinner today and went to the gym and did 60 mins of cardio.  I felt a lot better. :)  I'm proud I got back on track so quickly when I got home.  These are huge steps for me!  Next though, I need to figure out how to conquer times like I just had.  I need to come up with steps, a plan, a strategy... because this is clearly going to be a problem until I successfully make it through at least 1 event.

For now, moving forward and not looking back.  Glad to be home and had a pretty good trip overall.  Whatever the scale says tomorrow, it is just a blimp and it can be fixed. :)

Hanging by a Thread..BUT, Still Hanging!

Sunday, March 03, 2013
Well, the scale was good to me today in that it wasn't a gain.  But, 0.2 oz lost is hanging on by a thread!  Wow.  It was a crazy week with the tons of exercise I did and then 2 kind of crazy food nights.  I'll take it though, and move on. :)  I just want to get to 20 lbs!  What the hay?!  This week will be a challenge with flying, sitting in training all day, eating all meals out.  I am vowing to make good choices, track, and try to get some sort of exercise even if only 20 minutes at the end of the day in my hotel.  My goal for this week is not to gain.  This is a week I'd be happy to lose ounces! :)

Ugh! Old (long existing) Habits Die hard!

Friday, March 01, 2013
Well, I have worked my butt off this week with exercise and dilegently tracking/eating. Partly to make up for last weekend, but also because I felt good and energetic. I had vowed to have a good number at the scale this week because I see the dr today (who follows my weight/health) and have to fly on Monday (first time in 3 years, and 40 extra pounds! Yuk!) and then will be eating at the mercy of restaurants and catered food next week.

Well, an unexpected birthday dinner popped up yesterday and self control went out the window! :( I had a plan, I really did. But the plan did not plan for being hungry at the getgo. Soo, snacked on a few appetizers. Then, the dinner. I tend to each mucho veggies and protein so I get and feel full. Well, this was pasta, more pasta, rolls, and cake. Ugh, a carb addicts worst nightmare!! Well, it wasn't a nightmare to the carb loving 5 year old inside who was like YIPPEEE!!!!! We haven't had this stuff in ages and I'm HUNGRY!! 2 bowls of pasta, 3 rolls, butter, appetizers later..... I felt overly full and ill for the first time in a very lonnnnggggg time. We were sent home with leftovers. No!! What, was I thinking. Got home, waited an hour, and then the cake was calling. It was really good cake, I will say. I was hell bent on eating it ALL at once. The internal war was going on inside my head. You shouldn't be doing this. No, do it. No, this was not the plan. **** the plan! You are going to be sick. Who cares! You have worked out a ton this week! Even that won't make up for this...And I feel awful.

With a quarter of the cake left and literally feeling physically sick, I stopped. Put the rest in the frig. Went to bed. Then the thoughts started of, well now you've done it so why don't you stop at Starbucks in the am and get your favorite drink and breakfast. Just go all the way! Get it all out of your system!

Woke up this am, went directly to the frig, and threw out the cake and all leftovers. Done with you! Ate my planned breakfast and lunch, and planning to go to the gym today for which I don't usually workout on Fridays. Who knows what will happen at the scale tomorrow. Ugh! So disappointed. Old long ingrained habits die very very hard. Just when you think you have banished them, they come back. Yep, this weight loss thing is not going to be a steady line down. It's going to be a windy road.....5 steps ahead....2 back......3 ahead.

I am proud that I stopped and got back on track so quickly. Onward and downward! :)

Week 6 Weigh-In, Trekking Along...

Sunday, February 24, 2013
Well, it was that time again.  I think I was hoping for a BIG loss since I had done a lot of working out this week.  I lost 1.4, so down a total of 17.4 thus far.  I'm happy with it, but I think I secretly wanted like 3 or 5 lbs.  I know, I know, all in due time and this is a good normal rate. :)  Last night was a bit of a trial for me.  When to my girlfriend's house to hang out.  Kind of a deadly combination for me and food.  She had made lasagna and garlic bread.  Had one serving and it was great.  Was still a little hungry.  Wish we had had some veggies, but she didn't have them.  Then, she broke out the cookies!  First, girl scout cookies.  I had 1 Samoa.  Then, 2 more.  They were tasty!!!  Stopped.  Later, came these thin toffee like Florentine cookies.  The package was sitting right next to me and they were the kind of cookies that stick together.  I had one.  Then another.  I took a long pause, but man did I obsess and think about these darn cookies!!  I delayed a few hours, and then wanted one more.... but heck, 2 were stuck together!  So, I ate it.  I finally got up and put the container in the kitchen.  Something I now realize I should have done after the 1st cookie.  Out of sight, out of mind.

There were no nutritionals on it, so I had no idea what the points was.  I really didn't want to count any of this, but I actually went by the store today to find the same cookies to see if I could get the nutritionals!! :)  Unfortunately, they were a bakery item, so no facts.  Did my best research and recorded the points.

I went to the gym today, and think I had a little bit of guilt over last night and had lots of energy.  So, I crazily did 60 mins of cardio!  I will probably regret this tomorrow am when I can't move. :)  Tonight I'm watching the Oscars with a friend.  I've ordered healthy pizza and salad, but with low cal dressing.  Guiltless popcorn.  Hummus and veggies.  And a light dessert.  Hoping to not break the bank!!

Alrighty, Happy Oscars Evening to my movie loving WW friends and here's to a great week of losing for everyone!

Making Small Changes

Friday, February 22, 2013
Yay, it's almost Friday!! :)  It's been a pretty good week.  Got 4 days in at the gym.  I stepped up the treadmill pace and added on 10 min of elliptical to 30 min treadmill.  I had a lot of energy this week, so pushed it a bit! :)  I dodged a medical issue this week.  I've had a couple of bouts of diverticulitis over the past 3 years, the last being the worse in December.  It was horrible!  I saw my GI doc after not seeing her for over a year, and when she heard/read this, she said I needed to go see a surgeon and have this removed.  I was like what???!!!!  Not in the plan, I thought to myself!  I tried not to freak out or eat my way through it, until I knew for sure what I was dealing with.  This is how I tend to deal with things - don't worry until you need to worry, otherwise you waste a lot of valuable days/time!  So, went about my business but it was in the back of my mind.  Saw the surgeon yesterday and thankfully she said, if I was you, I wouldn't have the surgery.  At this point it is elective and it has risks.  If I have more bouts, they are worse, are don't respond to antibiotics then we will have to think about it.  In the meantime, eat fruits, veggies, take fiber, keep things moving along, and lose weight. :)  So, continue what I'm doing! :)  Phew!  Normally, whether this news was good or bad, I would have turned to food and needed a "treat" to make me feel better, get through it.  My appointment was right next to my gym (my gym is at the hospital!  love it!), so I celebrated by going to the gym and working out.  Gotta keep on this path!

Week 5 Weigh-In...BAM!

Saturday, February 16, 2013
Yay, so excited to keep losing!  1.2 lbs gone this week, so a total of 16 thus far!  Not too shabby for 5 weeks of work. :)  I increased the exercise a bit, trying to get in 4 formal days a week of 30 mins.  Today, I had energy and did 40 mins!  I'm glad to have gotten through the week of PMS and mother nature unscathed. :)  That was probably my most successful one of those weeks ever!!!  I didn't binge, give in to all the sweets or fast food.  Just took it one moment at a time.  It helps knowing all these DBT skills and mindfulness.  It's becoming more automatic now.  I still have to post my goals list, because I think I'm coming up on another reward soon! :)

Have a great week everyone!

Week 4 Weigh-In

Saturday, February 09, 2013
Week 4 was my first probably challenging week, as per my mid-week update. :)  I craved some sweets and ate a few extras more than usual.  Still stayed within points, but just had more candy/cookies etc. then I had previously.  Also had Mexican food last night which always makes me bloated.  No margaritas and had just a few chips.  I still was satisfied though.  :)  I was unsure what would happen on the scale today as I started exercising formally this week and I ate almost all the weekly points for the first time.  Drum rollllllllllllll........... 0.8 lbs gone.  Well, can't complain.  It was a loss!! :)  14.8 lbs down thus far. :)  I'd like to keep losing above ounces each week, so I think I need to cut back a little on the weekly points.  Maybe use up to half.  But, still not too bad.  It's good to know that I can eat them all and still lose.  It's also the mother nature week, so I think I'm retaining water.  Anyhoo, still proud of myself and keep plodding along!  Worked out today which felt good.  Will work out tomorrow too.

Well, on to Week 5!  Have a great losing week WW friends!

Mid-Week Update, Uh-oh!

Thursday, February 07, 2013
Well, this fourth week has been the toughest so far.  I started formally working out and I'm sore as heck!  Have done 4 days so far.  Some days I can't understand why ActiveLink doesn't give me any Activity points.  I've gone over 100%.  I wonder how much you have to go over 100%.  I'll have to ask my leader.  This week has been the first time I've been drawn to sweets thus far.  Uh oh, I think it may be that lovely PMS time. :(  This time always ALWAYS gets me!!  I get really bad cravings and want to eat all kinds of sweets.  In the past, it has been one week of full binging.  Not now.  I'm aware of it, so can meet it head on.  Still won't be fun, and I hate saying NO to myself. :)  Okay, it's not really me.  It's the PMS Demon!!!! :)  I had scheduled a reward of a Sprinkles Cupcake this week for meeting my 5% Goal.  I normally only get chocolate but I also love Salted Carmel.  Went with the Salted Carmel.  DANG!!!!  Was so not feeling it.  Really should have gotten the chocolate.  Gonna have to wait awhile for another one of those.  Freaking 13 points!  I had to laugh, they are 4 without the frosting.  Who the heck eats a Sprinkles without the frosting!!!!!!!!  NOT ME!!!  That's the best part! :)  So, I ended up having a small chocolate candy heart later.  That didn't do it for me either. :(  Earlier in the evening at a friend's house I had 3 junior mints.  Those were good!  Today I ignored some chocolate sprinkled fudge thing in the work kitchen.  I'm a sucker for sprinkles!  Haha!!  But, I worked overtime and my co-worker offered me girl scout cookies.  Ugh!  I did figure out the points first, and I could have 3 for 4 points.  So, felt it was worth it.  They were good! 

I haven't over spent my weekly points, which is good.  But it is definitely the most I've used yet.  We'll see what the scale shows this week.  I'm just glad I figured out the PMS thing right now, before WAY too much damage was done.  Cause I can do a lot of damage in a week! :(

Alrighty, time for bed.  This has been a crazy week.  Wishing you all a great rest of the week!

End of Week 3, 5% Goal!

Tuesday, February 05, 2013
I am a little late on this update.  Oopps! :)  Well, it was a great weigh-in.  Lost another 3 lbs this week totaling 14 so far, and hit my 5% goal.  Yay me!  So excited to hit a goal pretty darn quick.  Another kudos was that I started to formally exercise.  Went to the gym on Saturday and just did 30 mins on the treadmill.  Oh man, I hurt!  Knee is still sore and swollen.  Not going to push it though.  Sunday I couldn't get to the gym before they closed, so I walked 30 mins outside on the track.  That was even harder because it was a warm day.  But, it was nice to listen to my music and stare at the ocean. :)  I decided to take a break today, but then felt like I still needed to move.  So, when I got home my husband and I did a 15 min walk around the neighborhood.... without the dogs, so it was faster paced!  I'm still walking the dogs 2-3 times a day.  And, I started trying to walk around my floor at work (do 1 lap) every time I get up.  It's not working out to every hour, but more like every 2 hours.  I've noticed via ActiveLink, 2pm is my worst hour.  I pretty much sit and don't move at all.  Gonna have to take note of that! :)

Over the past week, I spent a good amount of time coming up with a goal and reward list to keep me motivated.  I'll post that shortly.  I also wanted a nice visual representation of my weight loss, so I bought 2 Mason Jars with pretty stones (large and small).  I put the number of lbs I need to lose in total in 1 Jar, and then every time I weigh in and lose, I move that number of stones over to the other jar.  Helps me to stay motivated!  I'll post a picture too. :)

Well, I'm exhausted.  Time for bed.  Wishing all my WW and new friends success this week!

Love Being a Loser!

Saturday, January 26, 2013
Week 2 has come to a close.  1.6 lbs more gone, poof! :)  11 lbs total so far.  Not too shabby if I must say!  I am a lot hungrier this week then the first week, so I think I'm going to have to start eating more of the weekly points.  I don't feel deprived.  I have not had any cravings.  I had one moment of watching a tv show today where they were baking decadent cakes and instantly I wanted to go get a decadent cake.  But, I sat with it and distracted myself, and eventually I forgot all about it.  But, I tell ya, for that little bit of time, it is soooo real, soo very strong, screaming your name, wanting to throw in the towel to reckless abandon of who cares!!

I'm almost over my bronchitis/sinus infection, thank gosh.  My knee is doing better but still not 100%.  I'm going to start to add in some exercise this week and see how it goes.  Will take it slow, not push myself, and see what happens.  Today is my last day of the assessment phase of ActiveLink so I'm looking forward to see what it does next.

Well, here's to a great Week 3!  So happy I finally was able to get my head together, use all the CBT and DBT skills I've learned this past year, and take on this new chapter of the Journey.  I have to thank Rebecca for mentioning it to me and then encouraging me but not pushing! :)  Lucky to have her support and friendship.

Made it Through First WW Weigh-In

Sunday, January 20, 2013
So, as I said in my last post, I was looking forward to going to the meeting Saturday as I felt like I had had a good week.  I usually am spot on with estimating how much weight I've lost or gained.  I thought probably a pound or two.  Well holy cow, this has never happened!  I lost 9.4 lbs the first week!!  About blew me over.  That's like Biggest Loser Numbers. :)  I was excited to get my sticker from Marie. :)  I still can't exercise because of my knee and I was sicker than a dog this week with a cold.  Imagine what I can do when healthy!!  I'm starting on antibiotics today for a sinus infection/bronchitis, so it will still be awhile before I can resume life as normal.  This is teaching me patience.  But I am starting to go stir crazy being in the house sooooo much.  Dying to go to a movie or something! 

This past week I focused on reading the materials, tracking everything, and eating within my points.  That was fairly easy.  I didn't go hungry at all until Saturday.  Saturday was the first day I felt like I needed to eat more.  I've tried some new things.  I really like Extreme Pita!  Tomorrow we start our dinner delivery so I'm hoping for yummy things there.

This week I will be focusing on wearing the ActiveLink to finish the assessment stage.  I will also continue to track and try to get in more fruits and veggies each day.  I also seriously need to drink more water.  A LOT MORE water!!!

Well, that's about it for today.  It is freaking 80 degrees in San Diego.  Last week was 40's.  No wonder we are all stinking sick!!!

Have a great week!

1st Week Coming to a Close

Saturday, January 19, 2013
So, I thought I would write everyday like a journal.  But, then the flu came....  Boy, is it a nasty one this year!  I have felt so miserable and gone to bed early every night.  Actually a good distraction if you are wanting food for any other reason than being hungry. :)  It's been a good week despite illness.  Have tracked everyday.  Yeah!!  Have stayed within my points and not been too hungry.  The biggest revelation I had the first few days was that all the convenient "healthy" foods I was buying are very high in points!!  Man, doesn't leave much left.  I also noticed that foods higher in protein seem to have higher points.  I tend to eat higher protein, less fiber, so that's probably why my foods are so high in points.  It is nice to be able to eat fruits and vegetables as often as I want.  I'm eating more than usual, but probably not 5 yet a day.  Still need to work on that.  One step at a time. :)

I see the doctor on Monday about my knee.  Finally!  It's getting better and I'm pretty sure I didn't tear anything or need surgery.  But, I do think there is still something not quite right.  I'm eager to see what he says and hope it is nothing and I'm cleared to start moving more.  That would be great!  I'm actually looking forward to exercising.  Huh?!  Isn't it funny when you can, you will find every excuse not to exercise!  Go figure.... :)

Well, tomorrow is weigh-in and meeting.  I'm actually looking forward to going. :)  I feel like I've had a good week but I won't be hostage to the scale.  If it doesn't reflect how I feel, well, c'est la vie.  Keep going!  The scale is not the only measurement of health status, lifestyle change, and weight loss!

Hope you all have had a good week too!

Day 1, The New Journey Begins

Saturday, January 12, 2013
Greetings new friends! Thanks for finding me on here and joining in my journey.  So, my New Year of change didn't quite get out of the starting gate as I hoped.  Mainly, it was delayed.  Right before Christmas I tripped and fell hard on my knee.  Thought I broke the darn thing!  Thankfully I didn't but man does it freaking hurt!!!  It's been almost 4 weeks now and I still can't fully bend it or walk on it,'s getting better.  Inch by Inch, a teeny weeny bit each day.  Progress!!  This has become my example and metaphor for how 34 years of disordered eating is going to change....... very....... very...... slowly........ baby........ baby........tip.....toe......steps.  BUT, it still is progress and those little tip toe steps will eventually add up to feet, and then miles!  Just keep chipping away, taking that step!  And the next thing I've had to learn with this is patience!  Changing years and years of automatic thoughts, negative thoughts, automatic habits, automatic undesirable coping skills, core beliefs, does not happen quickly nor in leaps and bounds.  It happens at a snails pace, very subtly, without fan fare (hey you, look, you just made a HUGE change!!! - NOT).  But, you start to feel a little different, notice things, moments are easier, not everything is a struggle.  Hmm, I think I'm making some changes?! :)

So, to recap the last 41 years of my life - quickly! :)  I was a sickly underweight child for the first several years of my life.  I was born with Klippel Feil Syndrome (which gifts you with a whole mess of vertebral and muscular issues, and other things to be found out when you are older!), scoliosis, pyloric stenosis, and had to have open heart surgery at age 4.  I was fairly active and a pretty normal kid, despite these medical issues.  I played soccer, did gymnastics, cheerleading, you name it.  I don't really recall food being an issue when I was young, other than stopping at my favorite restaurant after every medical appointment (which you can guess was a lot!).  In 3rd grade, that all seemed to change.  I changed to a new private school, lost all my friends and had to make new ones, was teased for looking "different", and was just trying to find a way to fit in and be liked.  I learned quickly the comforts of Taco Bell after school.  School also got harder, I had less time for activity and more focus on school work, and stress began.  Ahh, the pleasure of sweets to counteract the stress.  And then there was home.  Home pretty much consisted of low salt/bland cooking, very few "treats/junk" as they were forbidden, and if they were to be had...they were rationed or you were made to feel you were doing something "wrong" when having them.  And feelings, oh gosh, you better not show those too much or go to your room until you can dry up the tears and come out happy!  And, so, the world of disordered eating was formed.

Since 3rd Grade, I've been on every diet or program there was.  I've lost many many pounds, one time 80 lbs, to only gain them all back, and more.  I've searched and hoped for the quick fix.  I have secretly hoped there was something medically wrong with me to explain my eating/weight issues.  Nothing.  Knock on wood, thank gosh!  But somehow, I just knew it had to be complicated to explain this struggle!  I needed it to be complicated and OUTSIDE of myself.  That could be the reason, the excuse for failure, the accountability for it happening - it's not my fault!  I try.  But, after years and years of diets, programs, doctors, eating disorder clinic, therapists, nutritionists, diet pills, shots, thousands and thousands of dollars spent/wasted, etc.  Guess what?  It's not outside's within.  Only I can make this change, do this hard work.  And only I could bring myself to this conclusion!  It's not going to happen by reading every book/magazine, by attending meetings/groups/appointments but not being present and mindful, by just trying but not really doing and sweating, or by osmosis as I soooo hoped!  I now get it.  It is complicated, just as I thought! :)  Just complicated in such a different and harder way: re-programming years of neural networks and paths and habits and thoughts in my brain; believing I can do it and WILL do it; and actually believing I DESERVE to live a happy, healthy, mindful that is moved through with EASE!  Change your thoughts, your attitude, and you WILL change your life!  Even if all of the circumstances and events remain the same. :) :)

Cheers to a New Year and making Teeny Weeny Changes that eventually will add up!