What A Difference a Year Makes.... And other ramblings :)

Greetings on a Spring Sunday Evening!
I hope you enjoyed a beautiful and relaxing weekend!  It was very pleasant and beautiful here this weekend.  I have the sunburn to prove it! :)  So much going on from Half Marathons, Triathlons, Art Walk, Adams Avenue Unplugged, I'm sure I missed a ton of other events to mention. Congrats to those of you ran/walked!

So, it's hard to believe that a year has already gone by.  A year ago this week I was in a not very good place, pretty hopeless, and trying to dig myself out of a very deep deep deep hole.  Problem was, after many months of trying (more like a year or more) on my own, I just couldn't do it.  It's amazing how powerful an organ like the brain can be (especially when it is not working in your best interest!).  Since 2010, it had just been one thing after another (not all bad, but life changes).  From getting engaged, to moving in together, to planning a wedding, (getting more and more anxious about not looking how I would have hoped I would look for my wedding, which just led to more weight gain!), to finding out I needed major complicated surgery (and trying to seek 2nd/3rd/4th opinions), to being laid off twice in 3 months, to turning down a full time job in hopes that the ONE I really wanted would come to fruition (stress! - but it did), to buying a house, to getting married, to selling a condo, to getting hit with mega taxes, adopting 2 not so easy to handle dogs, to hubby have a medical emergency.  I was EXHAUSTED.  I was sooooo depressed, hubby and I were constantly fighting, I was not sleeping more than 3 or 4 hours a night, I could barely drag myself to work (the place I absolutely loved!), the dogs were just too too much, and I was at my highest weight ever (285!).  The final straw was that I started having sudden major health issues: anemia, edema, high blood pressure.  All the makings of heart failure.  Things started spiraling out of control and very quickly.  I really thought that if things didn't somehow get under control very soon, I may not have a future - because there was no way I could live like this - every second a struggle.  Thank gosh for my doctor who is awesome and knows me very well, trusts me, works with me, and knows what I need. 

I took a leave of absence for 6 weeks to get things back on track.  I went to a local all-day program for binge eating, checked myself into a hotel for 2 weeks to get a true break, and had a very understanding husband who handled the rest while I was gone (with the help of great friends!).  It was the BEST decision I could have ever made for me, my marriage, for life!  I needed a Time-Out.  I knew I did, and was so glad that insurance finally agreed (don't even get me started on the issues and stress of trying to get insurance companies to recognize Binge Eating Disorder!).

Food has always been my coping mechanism..... for EVERYTHING!!!!!  For stress, for sadness, for loneliness, for being tired, for needing a reward, for boredom, for having to deal with medical procedures, for socializing.  The list goes on.  The day that was my rock bottom was the day I had after work gone to a McDonald's to get a coffee shake, gone to Starbucks and got brownies, and then went through Jack in the Box to get a hamburger meal.  I got home, had all this food, and didn't even remember doing it!  Let alone, why I had done it.... because I already had (and forgot about) the Starbucks, donuts, pizza, and cake that were ingested earlier in the day at work.  When food collection (binging) has become as automatic as breathing or driving, I knew I was in trouble and needed help beyond what I, friends or family could provide.

The program was a shock at first.  I completely broke down and lost it the first day.  This was not what I expected.  You were no longer in charge of yourself during those 10 hours.  Meals and bathroom visits were scheduled, supervised, and monitored. What??!!  I finally settled down by Day 3, and was in a groove.  The program wasn't perfect, but nothing (or anyone) is in life.  You make the best of it and take what you can.  The life skills I learned were invaluable:  CBT, DBT, art therapy, mindfulness.  I've continued with these advanced skills a year later, and it has made all the difference!  Our marriage is great, the dogs have settled some, work is good, the brain is finally working for me!  And, it finally allowed me to sign up for Weight Watchers (along with hubby!) and making taking charge of my health and losing weight possible. :)

On to present moment. :)  I had a great week last week in terms of feeling good.  Loved and was so grateful for every minute of it.  Then, mother nature decided to grace me with her presence.  To not get too TMI here, I really struggle with that TOM.  I always have since Day 1.  When I was younger it was practically debilitating until I found birth control in college.  Then, it became endurable but still not wonderful.  As I've aged and had to go off all birth control (blood clots in 2008), it's gotten worse, and weird.  The GYN thought it was due to the weight gain the last few years and I wondered about peri-menopause.  With the clear Abdominal CT Scan a few weeks ago, my doctor has now referred me to the GYN.  He is thinking endometriosis.  I'm like what??!!  I don't think so.  It seems a little far fetched to me, like why wouldn't this have cropped up and been diagnosed much earlier?  I have self diagnosed fibroids.  Yes, I'm very good at playing doctor (and quite good most of the time I must add)! :) :)  We shall see what the result is this week.  If it's neither, well then, the mystery symptoms continue.

Oh, Weigh In!  So, I'm up 0.8 lbs but not a surprise with mother nature.  Hubby lost 2.8 lbs.  Yay!!  I'm 1 lb away from 30, and hoping to work hard and make it happen this coming weekend. :)

Wow, that was a long post.  If you are still hanging in there reading.....THANK YOU!!!! :)  My friends, family, and supporters mean the world to me.  Have a great week and may you live and love each and every day!

Cheers!