Greetings new friends! Thanks for finding me on here and joining in my journey.  So, my New Year of change didn't quite get out of the starting gate as I hoped.  Mainly, it was delayed.  Right before Christmas I tripped and fell hard on my knee.  Thought I broke the darn thing!  Thankfully I didn't but man does it freaking hurt!!!  It's been almost 4 weeks now and I still can't fully bend it or walk on it, but....it's getting better.  Inch by Inch, a teeny weeny bit each day.  Progress!!  This has become my example and metaphor for how 34 years of disordered eating is going to change....... very....... very...... slowly........ baby........ baby........tip.....toe......steps.  BUT, it still is progress and those little tip toe steps will eventually add up to feet, and then miles!  Just keep chipping away, taking that step!  And the next thing I've had to learn with this is patience!  Changing years and years of automatic thoughts, negative thoughts, automatic habits, automatic undesirable coping skills, core beliefs, does not happen quickly nor in leaps and bounds.  It happens at a snails pace, very subtly, without fan fare (hey you, look, you just made a HUGE change!!! - NOT).  But, you start to feel a little different, notice things, moments are easier, not everything is a struggle.  Hmm, I think I'm making some changes?! :)

So, to recap the last 41 years of my life - quickly! :)  I was a sickly underweight child for the first several years of my life.  I was born with Klippel Feil Syndrome (which gifts you with a whole mess of vertebral and muscular issues, and other things to be found out when you are older!), scoliosis, pyloric stenosis, and had to have open heart surgery at age 4.  I was fairly active and a pretty normal kid, despite these medical issues.  I played soccer, did gymnastics, cheerleading, you name it.  I don't really recall food being an issue when I was young, other than stopping at my favorite restaurant after every medical appointment (which you can guess was a lot!).  In 3rd grade, that all seemed to change.  I changed to a new private school, lost all my friends and had to make new ones, was teased for looking "different", and was just trying to find a way to fit in and be liked.  I learned quickly the comforts of Taco Bell after school.  School also got harder, I had less time for activity and more focus on school work, and stress began.  Ahh, the pleasure of sweets to counteract the stress.  And then there was home.  Home pretty much consisted of low salt/bland cooking, very few "treats/junk" as they were forbidden, and if they were to be had...they were rationed or you were made to feel you were doing something "wrong" when having them.  And feelings, oh gosh, you better not show those too much or go to your room until you can dry up the tears and come out happy!  And, so, the world of disordered eating was formed.

Since 3rd Grade, I've been on every diet or program there was.  I've lost many many pounds, one time 80 lbs, to only gain them all back, and more.  I've searched and hoped for the quick fix.  I have secretly hoped there was something medically wrong with me to explain my eating/weight issues.  Nothing.  Knock on wood, thank gosh!  But somehow, I just knew it had to be complicated to explain this struggle!  I needed it to be complicated and OUTSIDE of myself.  That could be the reason, the excuse for failure, the accountability for it happening - it's not my fault!  I try.  But, after years and years of diets, programs, doctors, eating disorder clinic, therapists, nutritionists, diet pills, shots, thousands and thousands of dollars spent/wasted, etc.  Guess what?  It's not outside myself....it's within.  Only I can make this change, do this hard work.  And only I could bring myself to this conclusion!  It's not going to happen by reading every book/magazine, by attending meetings/groups/appointments but not being present and mindful, by just trying but not really doing and sweating, or by osmosis as I soooo hoped!  I now get it.  It is complicated, just as I thought! :)  Just complicated in such a different and harder way: re-programming years of neural networks and paths and habits and thoughts in my brain; believing I can do it and WILL do it; and actually believing I DESERVE to live a happy, healthy, mindful life...one that is moved through with EASE!  Change your thoughts, your attitude, and you WILL change your life!  Even if all of the circumstances and events remain the same. :) :)

Cheers to a New Year and making Teeny Weeny Changes that eventually will add up!